I have allies, not friends

While I've been in recovery, I feel so uh...  shit on by my co-worker friends.  They say they'll keep in touch, but when I send a text, it takes days for them to respond, if they respond at all.  Or say let's do things, but it feels like I'm pulling teeth when I follow up with them.  Makes me feel pretty crappy, like, since I'm out of people's periphery, I don't exist to them right now.  Like I don't matter.

Been toying whether or not I should stop by tonight or tomorrow to drop off presents to select peers, and candy for the rest of the people.  I'm so annoyed, pissed, more like it, I'm thinking "screw this", I'll wait until the day I return, which is in 8 days allegedly, to do anything.

When I come back, my mindset must be:  I have allies, not friends.  Friends imply some sort of loyalty and connection that will always be there, through thick and thin.  Allies imply that the connection and loyalty is arbitrary and based on convenience and necessity. 

It kills me that I have to be professionally friendly to these people because I did care.  And I thought I they actually gave a damn about me too.  I just wish I could get transferred pretty darn quick, to a location that doesn't make you've been robbed, beaten up and raped every night. 

And there are situations that I need to walk away from, though I have really strong feelings about those scenarios.  Unless people communicate -- TALK -- to me, it is better for me to walk away.

When that transfer actually goes through, I will do what I did two transfers ago -- Not announce that I'm leaving until I'm in the parking lot.  No harm, no foul.  Not to punish people that deserve to hear the news from me personally, but to preserve the peace and my right to some semblance of privacy.

All this just because we can't all get along.  All this just because I thought people cared about me as a person, a co-worker, and a human being.  It's sad, frustrates and angers me all at the same time.

Hopefully my first day back, which is the start of a new year, will be the start of real change for me.