I have allies, not friends

While I've been in recovery, I feel so uh...  shit on by my co-worker friends.  They say they'll keep in touch, but when I send a text, it takes days for them to respond, if they respond at all.  Or say let's do things, but it feels like I'm pulling teeth when I follow up with them.  Makes me feel pretty crappy, like, since I'm out of people's periphery, I don't exist to them right now.  Like I don't matter.

Been toying whether or not I should stop by tonight or tomorrow to drop off presents to select peers, and candy for the rest of the people.  I'm so annoyed, pissed, more like it, I'm thinking "screw this", I'll wait until the day I return, which is in 8 days allegedly, to do anything.

When I come back, my mindset must be:  I have allies, not friends.  Friends imply some sort of loyalty and connection that will always be there, through thick and thin.  Allies imply that the connection and loyalty is arbitrary and based on convenience and necessity. 

It kills me that I have to be professionally friendly to these people because I did care.  And I thought I they actually gave a damn about me too.  I just wish I could get transferred pretty darn quick, to a location that doesn't make you've been robbed, beaten up and raped every night. 

And there are situations that I need to walk away from, though I have really strong feelings about those scenarios.  Unless people communicate -- TALK -- to me, it is better for me to walk away.

When that transfer actually goes through, I will do what I did two transfers ago -- Not announce that I'm leaving until I'm in the parking lot.  No harm, no foul.  Not to punish people that deserve to hear the news from me personally, but to preserve the peace and my right to some semblance of privacy.

All this just because we can't all get along.  All this just because I thought people cared about me as a person, a co-worker, and a human being.  It's sad, frustrates and angers me all at the same time.

Hopefully my first day back, which is the start of a new year, will be the start of real change for me.

In requiem

Arek,

I just found out about your passing when I did a web search for you. A really bad way to find out what happened to you.

I remember the time we spent, though brief. It was special. I'm sorry I lost touch with you.

But you lived a full life. And I'm glad you did great things.

Thank you for being part of my life. I will remember you.

Hugs and kisses,
Me

One of the recurring themes in my life

Great Pretender, Freddie Mercury

Those that know me too well can read between the lines.

New Year's Resolution 2017

I'm tired of work 'friends' not giving me time of day.  It hurts.  I could deal with:  "Can't talk right now.  Text later."  or, "Get back to you", or whatever.  Just being snubbed makes me feel like shit.  I think this is my New Year's Resolution for 2017.  I hate going back into the bubble, but if it helps me keep my nose clean and focused on what I need to do at the moment, and leave people behind, then so be it.  It's not worth the crap. 

On the other hand, there's so much crap going on, they don't want to bother me.  But at the same time, text, message me, call me to see how I'm doing.  Again, it makes me feel like crap.

There's a situation that I can't discuss, where I wonder:  What the hell is going on with our work relationship, and our personal friendship? 

I'm supposed to be back 1/1/2017.  I guess this is my matra till I can get transferred out of my work hell and into somewhere else, where I hope to be happy. 

I love what I do, just hate doing it where I'm at.  I went to warm, kind and fuzzy to cold and unempathetic.  Not really me, but it's a survival tool. 

When that time comes for my badly needed departure, I will not be announcing the move until I get into the parking lot, which is what I did three and a half years ago, two transfers ago.  Just don't need people getting mushy and freaked out.  Nor do I need people to come back at the last possible moment to tell me that they "wish I wasn't leaving", "What am I going to do without you?", "Please don't leave me here alone!", or that I'm "going to be missed".  Screw that.  I'm going to leave that shit show going down there, and move on with the least amount of baggage possible.

Sorry I need to vent here.  It's not a pleasant experience when you feel abandoned by people who you thought were going to be there.

Thanks for listening.

Sonnet 8, by Richard Barnfield

Sonnet 8

Sometimes I wish that I his pillow were,
So might I steale a kisse, and yet not seene,
So might I gaze upon his sleeping eine,
Although I did it with a panting feare:
But when I well consider how vaine my wish is,
Ah foolish Bees (thinke I) that doe not sucke
His lips for hony; but poore flowers doe plucke
Which have no sweet in them: when his sole kisses,
Are able to revive a dying soule.
Kisse him, but sting him not, for if you doe,
His angry voice your flying will pursue:
But when they heare his tongue, what can controule,
Their back-returne? for then they plaine may see,
How hony-combs from his lips dropping bee.

Election insanity

Primary Day Humor. 

When I tried to put my ballot in the scanner, it wouldn't scan. The lady behind me said, "Maybe it didn't like who you voted for."  Hahaha 

My thoughts about work

When one finally sees a situation for what it is, one wonders if it was truly worth dealing with the needless BS and drama that comes with it.

SMDH over people

After the day I've had....

A moment of frustration.