Bullied after all this time

After watching tonight's Glee, I should have sued the Lake Washington School District 22 years ago. I was paralyzed in pain, as Kurt's pain was coming out, mine exploded in the form of painful memories. I knew at that point I could have stopped harassment based on race, gender, sexual orientation in its tracks.

I am traumatized, still, from the harassment and bullying I endured during my years of hell. And I am naming names, as many as I can remember. If you find your name come up in this blog, as you search for your name on the internet, read and I hope you're happy to see your name in a negative light. Because you fucked my head up so badly. I really hope you can live with yourselves, since you almost ruined someone's life.

The weight gain -- and the inability to manage my weight, the low self-esteem, the feeling I was never good enough and that I always had something to prove. Or even depression and second guessing. How about living a life I thought would make people like me? Forget what I wanted. As it is human nature to want to be loved and accepted.

Oh yeah, I'm as strong as nails, and I act like I don't need anyone. But deep inside I am battle worn. By speaking out, I am no longer a victim. I am asserting my right to tell my story and join others in their fight against bullying, starting my journey towards healing myself. I never understood until the past two months what my unresolved issues were. Thanks Anderson Cooper for making me realize what they were.

I remember when I was 6 years old, my mom let me walk home from school for the first time. I was so proud that I didn't have to be picked up every day. Bob Green chased me all the way home, pelting me with rocks, calling me a dirty Jap. I tried to hide in the bushes, but Mrs Sorenson chased me out, not caring that I was being bullied. From that point on, I was teased for being different, since I was one of the few families of color in my neighborhood. No one did anything to make it stop. That bastard Bob Green harassed me all throughout high school, along with his sidekick, Bryce McCabe.

In Junior High, I had more enemies. People took advantage of my gullibility and lack of street smarts to keep me down. Tyler Kopet, David Rose, Alf Hauge, Marc Brunner (the only one that I managed to beat the shit out of), Erik Eastlyn, Patrick Morton amongst others, were the more memorable ones. I also staged an attempted suicide attempt because I was screaming for help, but I didn't know at that time why I needed help.

Then I went to Lake Washington High School, where Tyler and Bob followed, but there were others: Kathy McGrath, anyone on the cheerleader squad, Jon Gentry, another Bob (who carried on like a neo-nazi asshole). Stephanie Helms was the reason I quit band, sharing music with her was unbearable. When I came out on TV, the attacks came at me in full force. Almost expelled by Mr Kovats, attacked by Al Van Troba and Doug Chapple behind my back in the teacher's lounge, while an assistant principal who could have saved me, just stood back in horror.

Ms Hee, the last time I saw you, in 1993, your eyes told me you were sorry. I never told you I forgive you. I knew your back was against the wall too. Two teachers, a Ms Jaffe and Mrs Johnson, got me through the last 9 weeks until graduation.

A few months before I came out on Seattle TV, facing excommunication from my church (at that point, I went Born Again), I contemplated suicide, because a dear friend came out to me, and at that point, I realized that I too, was gay.

To Al Kovats and Al Van Troba: Fuck you! You had the power to defend me, and protect me, but you failed miserably. Mr Van Troba gets another F-U for the crap you made me go through in Junior High, just because you could have put all the teasing to a stop, BUT you kept telling me that it was all my fault. NO, IT WASN'T YOU FUCKING BASTARD! IT WASN'T!!! You had the power to stop it. You failed me! I hope that is something you can live with, and explain to St Peter why it was justified. Hypocritical Christian values at work!

Mrs Jan Yuli, who told me I was a spoiled brat. You stupid witch, I hope you rot in hell. Had you known about the abuse and the bullying, you'd feel so much differently. But I never knew not to expect empathy from you.

So, yes, it does get better, and I rose above it all. After I came out on Seattle TV and graduated high school (see my April 18th blog post), I tried to block out all the memories, all the hell and horror I endured. I did many things with my life: fight for the rights of gay and lesbian youth, went to school, became a performer, traveled, and other things I never thought I would never do, or was told I was not capable of doing. I have a husband with two cats living a suburban life, fulfilling job/s, and done most of the things I wanted to do with my life. I am happy with my life. Except for one thing....

I want justice for all the crap I endured! I want justice.

I should have sued when Kovats and LWSD violated my civil rights as I was coming out, rights I never knew I had. I should have sued for the harassment I encountered. I should have taught the Lake Washington School District a painful lesson.

Every student has the right to learn in a non violent environment. Every student has the right to feel safe. LWSD failed.

And I'm paying the price.